Reflecting on the chaos of the craft show, family matters (not the show Urkel was in), and the crazy way "chaos" is spelled.

I'm feeling the need for some self-indulgent catharsis. Is that redundant? Whatever.

It's Thursday night and I'm waiting to watch some good TV while hubs gets his fill of cable shows. I'm thinking about crafting and about setting up, and then reworking, and then reworking again, and again, my "practice" table so I know how to display everything when show day gets here. Thinking about the dreamcatchers and mini sweaters I've made in the last couple of weeks and feeling like I still need more. Add those to the jewelry, bookmarks, illustrations, flower pins, and knitted toys and I'm not sure how it's possible that I would need more. So my brain is a little fried between wanting to make more more more and wondering if I'm spreading myself too thin by splitting my time and attention among so many different kinds of projects.

And then there are the fears that my items are not well-executed, or that my prices are wrong, or that my setup looks unprofessional, or that the photos online are not good enough. It's hard to be objective when you spend so many hours and energy-watts on these things. And because I'm an anxious individual by nature, I see all of the superb things that my peers are making and worry that I just don't measure up.

But I'm never going to stop crafting. I think it's the mix of being creative and technical at the same time. It sucks up all my disposable income (and, on occasion, more) and clearly I stress about the details of being in a show - but I'm also really, really excited for the show because I enjoy making stuff and I'm in awe of the stuff other people make. There's something to be said for spending money locally, too. Plus, even though I know you walk a fine line when you gift something handmade, I like making people's presents because I'm going to be making stuff anyways so it's kind of like saving money. While I'm making it, I imagine the recipient enjoying the gift. Whether they toss it out once they've got it I don't know and I just don't think about it!

Also, having been jobless for a while now, crafting gives me something to do to feel productive. It distracts me from the real problems in life...my anxiety (I wasn't kidding before), my aging grandma, finances, oil spills, homelessness, etc. Possibly more than anything else: my sister and her plight of misfortune. It seems like nothing in her life is working out and sometimes I literally feel sick about it. She's my best friend and she's smart and responsible and loving and her life and her happiness is tied to mine. She doesn't have the time to craft these days, so I appreciate that I do.

That's what I'm thinking about while Futurama is on the tele. Also, I need to get groceries, find a job, and clean the house. In that order.

Being an adult is hard. Chaotic, even. And speaking of that, we can apparently thank the Greeks for the spelling of "chaos;" a word I was very proud to master the spelling of back in the fifth grade.