April 22, 2010

It's a fairytale ballpark with *almost* perfect bathrooms

Today I saw my first game at Target Field. We lost, but that's probably because Joe Mauer, a.k.a. "Baby Jesus," wasn't playing. Blasphemous, perhaps, but hey, I didn't come up with it. Whoever did, though, was brilliant because they can just buy a shit ton of WWJD bracelets and sell them to some pro shop for like $12 a piece, and then the pro shop can sell them to us for like $36 a piece. Anyways, our losing did not really detract from the blatant awesomeness of our new park.

I look slightly bewildered because I'm not photogenic.

My first impression related to this outing - not necessarily to the game, the team, or the field - was gained on my ride to park on the light rail and it is this: people kind of smell. So I guess I'm really glad it's open-air, because there were A LOT of people there, and after the most crowded train ride I've ever had, I can only assume that a lot of those people smelled.

My second impression was that a lot of money has gone into this place. I'm clearly having an obvious day, ok? The giant Budweiser sign, the epic screen that I'm pretty sure is going to get someone killed someday because you can see it from the freeway, the Twin Cities homage that lights up in various ways when various plays are made... seriously, what's the electric bill like for this place? I realize that the park is LEED certified, which is worth the money. I'm just saying. Also, if my sources are correct (and by "sources" I mean my husband), there are like 50 extra people on staff just to take care of the grass. That would mean every person is responsible for 2,000 square feet of turf - an area more than twice as large as my city-sized back yard, where I cannot control the creeping charlie, dandelions, crab grass, and maple saplings.

By the way, I appreciate that the MN sign shows a crowd-pleasing cordial - even friendly - bond between Minneapolis and St. Paul (a.k.a. "Pig's Eye"), but let's be honest... Minneapolis should be punching St. Paul in the face while St. Paul is kicking Minneapolis in the groin. Also, the bat that St. Paul is holding should really be a bottle of Irish whiskey.

Anyways, this is the view from our seats. Denard Span takes a strike. Also seen from our seats: a lot of Justin Morneau. "Jason," as you may know him from when he won the homerun derby.

Ok, now here's what I really wanted to post about: the bathrooms. To hubs's horror, I did take pictures. Impression 3: Target is really pushing this "green" thing, which is cool but confusing given the exorbitant electrical "needs" of the park. Refer to the LEED Certification mentioned above. This sign is posted inside every bathroom stall door:

Dual-flush toilets. Awesome. Saves a lot of water. Impression 4: Target wanted to protect our health, but they kind of missed the mark on how to do this.

Apparently, "green" is not only a lifestyle, it's a germ-resistant color. Isn't it kind of a rule that you just flush with your foot in public restrooms? I feel like we've already figured out that part and don't really need the coated handle. What we do need are doors that open outward so you don't have to touch a handle on your way out, right after washing your hands. Right after washing your hands with hot water and soap, people. You disgust me. Or at least they should put a trash can next to the door so you can open it with a paper towel. Or they could just get bathroom attendants.

Final impression: Target Field offers the most delicious hot chocolate I've ever had. Also, the largest hot dogs I've ever had. I seriously had trouble getting my mouth around it and felt like it was some kind of sick joke.

Crossing my fingers that the weather is this nice every time!


Melissa Miller said...

YOU are so amazing. I love you, kindred spirit. I can't wait to experience a game WITH you. I agree with every single word you said in this post. Especially the part about Jason Morneau!!!!! xoxxooxoxox

Joe B said...

You really shouldn't quote things I say, when they are clear exaggerations...that being said, I'm usually qoute-worthy and correct.

Theresa B said...

Look, I TRIED to confirm your ridiculous assertions via the internets, but I couldn't. Your word is all I had to work with because I was not willing to put in more than three minutes of legwork. So?